Yesterday was the end of a year filled with endings. The end of a marriage that in retrospect wasn’t worth the paper and time I spent on it. The end of a business I loved and was good at. The end of a corporate career I was good at but burned out on. The end of competing with my dogs in a sport we loved. The end of fake friendships with people who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to supporting me at the worst and most needy, lonely time of my life. The endings were painful and I felt adrift, lost, scared and often desperate to hold on to the only life I knew while simultaneously pondering and planning how to end that very same life because I couldn’t figure out and didn’t know how to live through such betrayal from my ex-husband.
Oddly enough, I spent the last 32 hours in bed, dizzy, nauseous, and sleeping after I cried the last tears I will ever cry for the losses and events of the last year. There are many people who think they know what happened a year ago and believe the worst lies because that is human nature… to crave and enjoy the drama and mistakes of others and to revel in the mud and crap of someone else’s misery. They are shallow people not worth the time it takes to try to correct their misguided beliefs. Many of those people seemed supportive in the beginning but after a few months chose to believe the confabulations of the mentally ill man who was my husband. The man who tortured me in ways only a narcissistic evil man can do. His last words to me were “I can do whatever I want to you and you cannot stop me.”
He tried his best but in the end all he did was to show me what a liar and a thief he really is and to allow me to escape a brutally abusive relationship and toxic way of life. In exactly eight days, the final paragraph will be written, the divorce will be final and he will be dead to me.
And out of the weeds and crap that was my life, I found beginnings and renewal. I’ve lost weight, I eat healthier, I renewed relationships with my parents, brothers, sister, niece, nephews, aunts, cousins—all of whom have been so incredibly supportive, more than I could ever have previously hoped for or possibly known. I hold them in my heart with deep love never fully appreciated before now. I found out who my true friends are and that friends hold your head and hug you through your grief and despair and they find ways to make you laugh. They tell you over and over as necessary that you are worthy and beautiful and that they love you until it sinks in through the muck and mire. I met new people who have become friends, who know the story of my life over the last year and don’t judge me, but accept me and embrace me.
I found new love from a very old friend, a man who loves me as I am right now, who makes me laugh, who is tender and attentive, who challenges and appreciates my intellect, who sees through the self-doubt to the beautiful woman I am. He has taught me that happiness is a choice and that life lived simply is the most important thing. Possessions and money don’t define happiness, experiences do. We read to each other, we are silly in play, we are deeply passionate in our love for each other and are both grateful for the wonderful people in our lives and most importantly for each other. We get to work together on a family farm as I’ve dreamed of for years, with good people who are kind and generous and loving. I get to be creative, to read, to write, to cook, to work with plants and animals and to love and laugh freely for the first time in 6 years. I am no longer surrounded by shallow pettiness and that is truly a new beginning.
The sun rises and sets, the seasons come and go, seeds are planted, crops are harvested, rebirth, renewal , love, laughter, life. My life is only half lived: I was born this year in the 49th year of my life; coming home to the woman I’ve always wanted to be. I’m looking forward to the next 40 years, slower years, loving years, happy years. It’s a matter of choice and I choose to live my life simply, happily and lovingly.