The Battle

There’s an old saying when the battle is raging and you’ve been hit: you put your head down and you bleed a while. Then you get back up and keep fighting.

Yesterday I lost the job that took 6 months to find and that I started just 6 weeks ago. The reasons aren’t important and although I think the reasons are ridiculously short-sighted and naïve, the end result is the same. So last night I had a good long cry, a good long bleed. I found a band-aid in the arms of a friend who stanched the bleeding and eventually I fell into a sleep of sheer emotional exhaustion. The most devastating year of my life refuses to end, the hits keep coming and I know there are yet more battles in my future.

I have no idea why I landed a job that only lasted 6 weeks.  Maybe it’s another lesson from the universe; maybe it’s a message that I’m supposed to once and for all turn away from corporate America and find another line of work. Maybe there are bigger things coming or maybe smaller, simpler things to come about which I’m not yet aware. Maybe it’s finally the chance to spend time doing that which I’ve always wanted to do: write. The Dalai Lama said, “Sometimes not getting what you want is an amazing stroke of luck.” It’s hard to keep remembering that bit of wisdom when it seems everything is lost but I know that in loss often there is something new to be found.  Being open to a new thing often demands that we let go of the old thing no matter how comfortable the old thing appears to be.

So once again, I must reach down and pull myself up by my boot straps.  My boots are old and the straps are frayed but they’ve served me well. Maybe it’s time for a new pair.  I think it will take a while to find a pair that fits well and is as reliable as my old ones.  In the meantime, I cry, I rail and I bleed.  And I take another small step forward hoping that next time the slide backwards won’t be as long as the one before.   After a bit, I pick my head up and rejoin the fight because the war is far from over.

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